Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
