I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
