im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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