is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
