I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
