Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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