I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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