Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
