GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
