my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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