11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
