I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
