were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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