Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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