No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
