don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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