Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
