And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
