You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
