My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I believe in your delicious
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
