So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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