Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
