U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
