I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
