How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
