he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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