im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
