I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
