Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My ass is underappreciated
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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