chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
