dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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