a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner