be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
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Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.