I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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