That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
