On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
