The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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