i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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