why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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