How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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