I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
