At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
