you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
