I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
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i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
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Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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