K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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