some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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