i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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