No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
