Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
