i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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