Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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