I wish my penis had an off switch
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
