so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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