remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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