My friends, they love my intelligence
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
