Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
