come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
