I wish my penis had an off switch
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
