I am puke
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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