I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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