you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
